Wall of Smoke

     There are moments when the thoughts of tomorrow consume me with the waking now. And in this trap of forward thinking I easily lose today. All that is, is what is right now and forever a million times over. The future holds us no promise of existence. We are only who we are in this moment. So who are you or who am I in this eternal fraction of eternity? Who do we see and who do we project? What do we command and what do we fear? The conceptual consideration of the almost unfathomable enigma of true infinite possibility could in fact, with conscious application, drive a person into insanity, power or both.

     The blinding lights swirl within the shadows of my fingertips, almost there to be realized almost there to be touched, yet like a moment, fades away in the blink of an eye. My mind cannot comprehend my feeble heart and hates it so, my heart is disgusted with the coldness of my mind. And in the middle, in the balance, hangs simple paradox of what is me. I feel like I’ve been shattered into a million tiny shards of reflection, each one a different facet of self that I can pick up individually and examine, get to know and place back inside the vessel that confines me in a manner I so choose. There is no more being the me I was yesterday or even a minute ago. Though I can’t seem to find any true connection to anyone at the same time I am connected to all and this comforts the dying and growing child in me. The thought of all inevitably brings me back to myself. And once again the journey can be begun.

     All thoughts we have are true, all emotions and reactions we have are the reflections of our understanding of self. When we rationalize these reactions, thoughts and emotions we are once again not in the waking now. The intensity of being is lost and often we will try to justify or negate our primal reactions. “I shouldn’t feel this way because” or “I’m overreacting”. To me this is an injustice against not only yourself but the entire world with which you interact. Rather than argue with the reactive, primal, non-yielding aspect of that which you are, my suggestion is get to know him or her. There have been many books and writings on meeting your darker half. This is not one of them. I suggest ALL reactions be examined with no predisposed notion of good or bad.

     Feel the current of your surroundings and see the pattern in your response to that current. When you identify a recurring theme, perhaps it is a good time to say hello. Do you react with anger? How is this good or bad? Can you see that anger can consume but also fuel? Do you react with patience or love? Can you see that patience and love can nurture others but sometimes destroy parts of you? There is no polarity in reaction and response, simply the raw cause and effect. Understanding the facets of your raw nature, their potential to power and drain, at least for me is liberating. No explanation is needed, I am justified as I am Just, simply, me. The viewing of facets and understanding of effect is not simply for knowledge. To me it is a form of ultimate power, for now you can work to truly shape your reactions, which are in essence the projection of you onto the world. Shape this projection not based upon the imposed righteousness of outside ideologies, but rather with examination of your own ever-changing, self imposed morals and ideology. Malleable as you progress through experience, rewritable as need be or seen fit, no apologies required or valid. Take your shards of reflection and put you together in the image of your own god, yourself.